I started this blog as a response to the constant and casual sexism that permeates pop culture today. You can find it anywhere, from TV shows to morning radio programs to newspaper columns here.

I’m not really the blogging type – I love reading them, and I already have a go-to feminist blog at Jezebel, which I visit daily and highly recommend.

But after being forced to watch an episode of the new VH1 show “Tough Love” while at the gym, I was so enraged that I just had to get it out. Thus: This Blog.

Everyone knows that classic gym quandary, right? Arriving to find someone else already there, controlling the remote. In the past I’ve been subjected to something called “Trick My Truck” (clearly the country rip-off of “Pimp My Ride”) and reruns of “NCIS”. I’m not a big exercise fanatic, so if I can’t have something to distract from the fact that I’m actually working out then I lose interest pretty quickly. But I would take an all day marathon of “The Andy Griffith Show” over the infuriating crapfest that is “Tough Love”.

We all know that VH1 has cornered the market in offensive/addictive reality TV fare. But this show just irks me to the core. The intro starts out with annoying douchebag Steve Ward:

describing himself as a “master matchmaker” and single women as alternately desperate, lonely, and needy people who will never find a husband (and therefore will never find happiness) without him controlling their clothing, thoughts, and behavior.

The first episode consists of him labeling each unlucky contestant with a pseudonym to further degrade her. The 22-year old who wants to get married by 25 is deemed “The Bridezilla”, another woman is “Miss Fatal Attraction” (super!), the woman who is strong and tough is of course labeled “Miss Ball Buster” – you get the idea. They’re all brought into a house to be criticized, told of their flaws, and basically advised to completely change so that they may be blessed with love. Instead of, you know – holding out for someone who loves them as they are.

The episode I watched featured our hero Steve dressing down Arian, one of the more “troubled” women. And yes, unfortunately for her, it is pronounced “Aryan”. Arian’s big flaw, according to Steve, is that she is too slutty. Sexy is good, slutty is bad, and Steve is the one who gets to determine where the line the between the two falls. Everyone watches a clip of her on a date with some guy in which talks about her huge breasts and the fact that she likes sex. Now while this isn’t a conversation I would personally have with someone I just met, Arian is young, at a fake bar on a reality TV show, and clearly enjoys having sex. I get the feeling that Steve feels this is impossible, and that women could not have any other reason for having sex than to please a man. Surely they cannot actually enjoy it. But I digress.

Steve is horrified, and therefore all the other women are horrified, because they are obviously taking their cues from him. Arian laughs it off and attempts to explain that Steve set her up with someone who was not “her type”, so she was not taking the date seriously. Steve is undeterred, and to help her see the error of her slutty, slutty ways, makes this pronouncement:

“I can’t take away your sexiness. You are a very, very sexy woman. But you don’t need to be slutty.”

Arian argues that she is sexually frustrated being in the house and wants to fuck anything that moves, a statement that, coming from a man, would surely not have caused Steve to even bat an eye. But his reaction instead:

“But after awhile it’s just going to get old. I mean, you gotta turn into a woman at some point. I mean, what are you going to do if you just keep this up for like the next ten or fifteen years…I’m just at a loss, I’m not even going to say anything to you…there’s just no getting through to you. You’re either going to end up raped or with some kind of STD.”

Ah, the classic “If she hadn’t been wearing such a short skirt maybe she wouldn’t have been raped” rationale. In the span of 30 seconds, Arian was informed that she is an immature slut, who has rape and STDs in her future if she doesn’t change her trollop-y ways. There’s that tough love!

By the way – don’t you love how Steve says that she’ll “end up” raped? Like it’s just something that spontaneously happens to slutty women, as if there is not a second party involved actually committing the rape?

While there are obviously certain things women can do to lower their chances of being raped, it is never okay to even come close to suggesting that someone “asked for it”. And I’m sure that this Steve Ward douche truly believes that’s not what he’s doing, but you know what? It is exactly what he’s doing. Arian being sexually aggressive at a bar, surrounded by people and TV CAMERAS for Christ’s sake, does not translate to her getting raped at some point in the future. At all, ever, period. She was right to be angry. And who is he, or anyone else, to say that a woman who enjoys sex can’t be responsible with her sexuality? Flirtation does not equal rape, just as “promiscuity” does not equal STDs. The girl who has unprotected sex once is being less responsible than someone like Arian having safe sex each and every time.

Arian is understandably pissed and storms out, possibly breaking some equipment on the way. Steve remains where he is, the perfect picture of calm and concern, defending his words as simple honesty and claiming that she just couldn’t handle the truth.

Unfortunately but not surprisingly, her reaction is portrayed as crazy and over dramatic. After all, Steve was only trying to help her stop being such a whore! He’s worried about her!! I was hoping Arian would leave in protest, but she of course ends up staying.

At any rate, this show has got to be one of the worst of the worst. At least “Rock of Love” and the ilk don’t take themselves seriously. “Tough Love” masquerades as a show that is genuinely trying to help women when all it does is incessantly mock, criticize, and reinforce the same tired stereotypes.

Here’s a great Safer Campus article about the incident.

And another great blog post here, as well as this post, which lets you know how to contact VH1 and the producers of the show.